Title: Super Villainy 101
Fandom: Venture Bros
Pairing: Kim/Triana
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1212
Warnings: Mild spoilers for 'Victor, Echo, November'
Summary: Kim had given way too much thought to exactly how she was going to go about her future career in super villainy....




“What the hell are they doing?”

Triana Orpheus pushed herself off the bed and joined Kim at the window, looking out over the lawn that was shared with the Venture Compound. It spoke of how long she’d been living there that the sight of Dean and Hank Venture, in their underwear, chasing one another around the yard with some…mechanical thing didn’t even phase her.

“I dunno,” she said, with a shrug. “They just…do stuff like that.” She turned away and sat back down on the bed, homework open but ignored next to her.

“So is the extra-dorky one still like, in love with you?” Kim folded her arms and leaned against the wall.

“Dean? Yeah.” Triana looked down at her nails.

“God, how annoying is that?”

“It’s not so bad.” Embarrassing and awkward, definitely, but it wasn’t like Dean was a jerk. Just…kind of stupid.

“You don’t like…like him, do you?”

“I guess he’s okay for a friend.” Triana leaned back. “And he’s kind of cute. In that geeky, Weezer sort of way.”

Kim rolled her eyes. “Kind of cute? Geeze, Triana, in two years you’ll be all ‘oh Dean, he’s so dreamy….’ Gag me.”

“All I said was he’s kind of cute. Besides, nerdy retro is really in right now.” God, it wasn’t like she’d said he was actually cute!

“Has he tried to like…kiss you?”

“Nah.” Triana shook her head. “It’s like he thinks we’re living in the 50s. He’s super polite and stuff. Like he compliments me and opens doors and stuff.”

“You’re so going to end up dating him. That’ll make it really awkward when I’m a super villain, you know.”

“You’re still gonna do that?” Kim had the look, definitely.

“Did you even read that informative packet they sent me? Funding, dental, partial-health… plus, there’s a total demographic skew of male to female super villains, and women are in demand. I’d have like…my pick of arch nemesis’s.”

“And you want to arch the Venture brothers? Isn’t that kind of like…arching retarded puppies?” They were sloppily cute and earnest but…they were really just kind of sad most of the time.

“Arching a Venture is a sweet deal. There’s a whole leaflet on it. I mean, okay, it’s like the genes are getting weaker with each generation or something, but it’s a total status thing.” Kim flipped her hair, obviously thinking about the not-so-distant future.

“You’ve totally thought about this, haven’t you?” At least Kim was thinking about the future. She didn’t know what she was going to do. College, probably. Maybe writing. Or bumming around Europe. That’d be sweet.

“You can’t jump into super villainy without a plan.” Kim planted her hands on her hips, head cocked to the side. “You know what would be so cool?”

“What?”

“So Dean’s all in love with you, right? And I’m their arch nemesis. And I totally seduce you away from him.”

Triana blinked, and then burst out laughing. She fell back on the bed, holding her stomach, trying to imagine it.

“Seduce me?” she repeated, wiping tears out of her eyes. “Shouldn’t you be seducing one of them?”

“Ew, no. Besides, you’re like my best friend. I don’t want to move in on your…prize out there.

“But…you’ll come on to me?”

“Yeah. It‘s one of the most classic moves a super villain can make. Stealing the good guy‘s girlfriend? It’d be like…I sneak into the compound right, one night when they’re off doing…whatever the hell it is they do. And I look totally hot. And you’re all alone, and I make some big speech about how stupid and dorky Dean is, and how I could give you…I don’t know. The world, or the life you always wanted, or something totally smooth and impressive but still nice and cliché. And you’re all ‘no, I cannot, for I love Dean Venture!’ and I’m all ‘to hell with Dean Venture, come away with me!’ and I like…grab you and kiss you and then they come home, and see us, and I make an awesome speech and kidnap you, and then you’re totally a lesbian and Dean is traumatized for life.”

Triana managed to sit back up, still laughing. “Okay, major flaw in your plan,” she pointed out. “If either one of them found us making out in one of their bedrooms, they’d like…have nosebleeds, pass out, and block it from memory in self defense.”

“Wait…why are we in one of their bedrooms? Wouldn’t we be in your bedroom?”

“Well, in your whacky fantasy, I’m dating Dean, right? So wouldn’t I be in his bedroom?”

“Oh my god,” Kim said, holding up her hands. “You’re thinking about having sex with Dean Venture right now.”

“No, you’re thinking about me having sex with Dean,” Triana pointed out. “I’m thinking that your epic arching plan isn’t going to work.”

“Okay, fine.” Kim shrugged. “So…I run off with you and send them a tape of us having sex or something.”

“And now you’re thinking about me having sex with you. You think way too much about my future sex life.” Triana crossed her legs. “And you can’t send them a lesbian sex tape, their brains would explode. Besides, even if you did like…kidnap me and have your way with me, that wouldn’t make me a lesbian. I’d be bisexual. Or just really confused.”

“If you’re dating Dean Venture, you’re already confused.”

“Good point. So why are we having sex after you’ve kidnapped me?”

“Because after I kidnap you and you fall for me, I’ll make you my number two and we’ll be a sexy girl super villain team.” Kim said it as though it were the most logical thing in the world.

“Arching my boyfriend. Or…I mean, the guy won’t even like try and hold my hand. So we’d probably have to be married for this to work.” And that was so never going to happen.

“Okay, fine, then you’re married to Dean, I seduce you, you number two for me, and we arch the Ventures happily ever after.”

“Right.” Triana raised an eyebrow. “Is this like…you’re really convoluted way of coming on to me?”

“No. Why would I come on to you now? I haven’t even put in an application with the Guild yet.”

The sad thing was, this wasn’t even the weirdest conversation that Triana could remember having. It was kind of strange that her best friend had clearly given a lot of thought to having sex with her, but whatever. Girls on girls was pretty in right now, too, and probably would be in a couple of years. And her dad would flip.

“Well, I’ll be sure to save my lesbian virginity for you,” Triana promised.

“You better.” Kim grinned. It looked like she was going to say something else, but a knock at Triana’s bedroom door interrupted them.

“Pumpkin? I made hot pockets and rented one of those angsty teen vampire movies you love so much!”

“Thanks Dad.” Triana hopped off the bed. “We’ll be right out.” She shrugged at Kim. “Want me to go first so you can watch my ass or something?”

“Ha ha.” Kim punched her affectionately on the shoulder. “Joke now, but when the Guild approves me….”

Yeah, yeah, Triana thought.

She was so bumming around Europe after graduation.